Lately I have been reading a lot of articles and blogs regarding emotional abuse, living with a spouse with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), living with a spouse with Passive-Aggressive behavior (PA.) These articles have been great, helping me understand where my household's flavor of crazy fits into the realm of personality issues so I can figure out a sort of roadmap to getting out.
One thing that comes up again and again is the issue of cheating. In many of the blogs I'm reading, the husband is the one with the personality disorder, and the wife is the abused partner. (Apparently, these disorders are more common among men, but not strictly limited to men. I believe there are also more women talking about this via blogs, and the men being abused by NPD or PA wives are finding other outlets, if any, to discuss and share.)
So, regarding cheating. I know that D cheated on me at the beginning. I learned about this a few years after the fact. Had I found out right when it was happening, I don't know if I would have had the guts to try to leave. My self esteem was pretty trashed when we met, so back then I always felt like if I was going to achieve my dream of being married and having kids, he may be my only chance. I loved him, and we were best friends, but that always nagged in the back of my head.
Now days, I don't know what he's doing online or via text, and I don't care. I know he's not leaving the house to see anyone, and we have a couple of big intimidating dogs, so I can't imagine anyone coming over when I'm out. (Besides, when I get home, one of the dogs always tells me when people came over in my absence.)
Honestly, he could cheat and I wouldn't care. I just don't care any more. It would be a relief, knowing that "Aha! He found someone to get his mind off me!" and that would make it easier for me to move out. I'd feel less guilty for abandoning him, anyway.
In our case, though, I'm the one cheating. So... why?
There are lots of websites and blogs explaining this question, too. According to what I've been reading, men cheat when they're not getting enough, bored, or are looking for a thrill. (Or in my personal experience, their wives are too self-conscious about their bodies to fuck or they won't go down on them.)
Women cheating, however, is a different game. Most articles I read explain that two of the biggest reasons women do it is for revenge or to get even, or they're desperate because they are unable to fix whatever problem is at home. I fall into the latter group.
There was one moment of conflict at home when I realized that there was no way to fix the problem in our bedroom, and I was so horny I couldn't think straight. I mean, I literally couldn't concentrate on anything. It's like trying to focus on reading a boring book when you have to pee so bad you swear your teeth are floating in your mouth. Can't be done. I was changing my panties 3 or 4 times a day because they were always wet. D brushed me off when I tried to start something in the bedroom, and wouldn't participate in any discussion about it. He ignored my pleas for even a kiss. I was miserable, and D wouldn't touch me. I mean, he would not touch me. Not even a hand on my shoulder. I was lucky if he looked at me.I was being wholly rejected by the man who was supposed to love me.
I didn't know what else to do, so after being celibate with D for a solid 3 years, I started seeing other guys.
It was wonderful. Took the sexual pressure off (a bit,) and gave me the skin on skin touch that I so longed for. I don't feel guilty in the least for cheating. I can't say I feel justified, because that doesn't even really apply here.
Cheating made me feel less rejected.
And human.
